As children, we form friendships with our classmates, neighbors, teammates, and cousins. Adults arrange playdates for us. Our most troubling issues are deciding which of our pals to invite to our birthday sleepover or who to choose for your lab partner in science class.
What happens, though, in adulthood? Where do we find friends? How do we maintain friendships, and why do we feel ashamed to say "I'm lonely" when we don't have the support system we crave? We know that friendships are essential to our mental, emotional, and even physical wellbeing, but how do we make and maintain them?
If we were talking about romantic relationships, we could rattle off lists of dating apps that can whittle the dating pool down to your future partner's preferred hobbies, personality traits, religious affiliations, physical appearance, and level of commitment you are seeking. This online approach is no longer as taboo as it once was, and often others will encourage you to explore these sites when you begin looking for love.
Unfortunately, searching for friendships isn't necessarily the same. While there quite literally is an "app for everything" these days, the market for friendship-finding resources is unsaturated. When the internet is our go-to for almost everything, it's hard to believe that this isn't the best way to meet new people.
I hear from clients daily about how they long for more connections in their lives. Many, however, are embarrassed to admit that they yearn for the comfort of friends. If so many of us feel this way, perhaps we can eliminate the shame associated with loneliness and begin to reach out for support. But where to begin?
Below are several things to keep in mind when seeking adult friendships:
Access your resources. Potential friendships exist all around you; neighbors, co-workers, children's friends' parents, or fellow church members are already in your social network. Try building on these connections.
Step outside of your comfort zone. Think about joining a book club, starting a new class at the gym, or introducing yourself to another parent on your child's soccer team. Finding shared interests or pastimes is a quick way to form connections.
Be authentic. Staying true to yourself will attract the types of friends that you need and want.
Have confidence. One of the primary reasons for avoiding initiating any kind of relationship is the fear of rejection. Assume that others have good intentions and are equally excited about forming a friendship with you (because they likely are!).
Keep showing up. The effort doesn't stop once the friendship is formed. Adults are busy and making time for plans is not always easy, so ongoing efforts to foster the relationship and maintain your bond are essential.
Remember, you are not alone in your pursuit of friends and it is okay to be vulnerable in sharing your desire to make connections.
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